To have and to hold
by thesumofmydecisions
Summary: Post 2x09. After Kevin had an overdosis, Rebecca has a few things to say to her son.


**Author:** One thing I really REALLY need to see in the show is Rebecca having a meaninful scene with Kevin and my wish only intensified when I saw her with Kate on 2x09. Since I don't know when the show's gonna give us that, I took matters into my own hands, as usual. Enjoy ;) Reviews are always welcome.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, the show would be called This is Kevin.

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"I don't understand, why are you staying and I can't?" Kate asked by Kevin's closed door. Randall and Beth were already a few meters down the hall, but she refused to go. Rebecca exchanged a look with Toby and gladly accepted when he answered.

"Because she's his mother?" For Rebecca, that should be enough, but Kate didn't buy it, looking at Toby as if he was the one being unreasonable. He continued, "Honey, I know you two got your twinsies thingies, but you do need a shower, he will be waiting when we get back in a couple of hours."

"But what if he doesn't? What if he does something stupid? What if I was by his side when everything started, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad." Kate snapped, still relutanct. Rebecca should be arguing with her daughter, but the fact that Kate thought she was the one that had to take care of Kevin was not what a mother wanted to hear, as much as she appreciated the bond the two had. Toby looked like he would give up, when Miguel intervened in Rebecca's behalf.

"Kate, it's not your fault. I know we're all blaming ourselves, but this won't help your brother. Your mom just wants to spend some time alone with him. We're at the hospital, I promise you he won't be unsupervised while you're out." His calm voice seemed to have convinced his stepdaughter, who said "Fine" and walked away as fast as she could, with Toby on her tracks, so they could be back fast too.

Now, there were only two in that corner of the hospital where the whole family was gathered all night. Rebecca liked that quietness and she hoped no reporters would come to bother her celebrity son who had just overdosed himself by mixing Vicodin with wine and vodka. Kevin had woken up less than an hour earlier and he didn't want to talk to anybody, the only thing he had said was "I want to be alone". But she had to go inside. There were so many things she needed to say and now that she saw how fragile he was, she feared that if she didn't do it now, some day he'd just slip and she wouldn't have the time.

Slowly, Rebecca opened the door and tried to keep her tears from falling as she saw her son lying at the same position he was when they left the bedroom a few minutes earlier, with his eyes fixed at the window and a beard so thick that reminded her of Jack and rubbed once again on her face how they should have noticed that he was not okay.

"I know you said you want to be alone, but I can't not be here right now," she said, her voice shaking. "You're my baby, Kevin. You still are."

He didn't react, but she insisted, closing the door behind her and getting closer to the bed. She took his left hand into hers.

"You know, when you were born..." She smiled at the memory. "You've always known that you were the first, but I don't think I've ever told you what really happened. You were fast. It was painful, as birthing a child is supposed to be, but you came fast, on your own, the only one that came naturally. That should've been a sign, you were always the independent one. But then, I was too tired, and I couldn't breathe, the other two weren't going to come easily. They took me to the operation room and it wasn't the pain that bothered me the most, it was the fact that I didn't have the strenght to fight and keep those other two babies alive. I thought I was going to die. I thought the other two would die and my body wanted to surrender." Rebecca paused, looking at him, silently praying for a reaction. "Do you know what gave me the strenght to keep fighting?" With her free hand, she caressed his face. "It was you, Kevin. I was already a mother. Even if I lost the other two, and I did lose Kyle, I remember thinking I had to live, because I had a son and I hadn't held my baby."

Rebecca felt a lump in her throat, the pain getting worse the more she looked at Kevin. He looked so small. Her handsome, tall and funny son looked defeated. But she wouldn't give up. She was a mother, and mothers don't give up on their children. She continued.

"Last night, when I saw you... that way. The air was sucked out from my lungs and the only thing I could think was that I still haven't held my baby enough." She left his hand, which fell powerless in the bed, and sit by his side, taking his head and putting it in her lap. He didn't offer any resistance and she softly stroke his hair.

"I'm sorry, son. I'm sorry I wasn't there to hold you when you needed me. But I'm here now." She felt his body shake and she was glad that he was finally reacting. After he woke up, he had barely said a word to any of them and Rebecca couldn't blame him, since there were too many people in that room earlier, all of them asking questions and trying to find something to blame. But now, it was only the two of them - mother and son - and all she wanted was to hear his voice. She would take anything, she would be happy to hear he snapping at her like he did when he was younger.

Her prayers were answered.

"Mom..." His voice was raspy as it should be for someone that went through what he did the last twelve hours. She motioned to take a cup of water from the nightstand, but he stopped her, not wanting to let her go. "Mom, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for always being a bad kid for you and dad, I'm sorry for being a bad person, I'm sorry for disappointing you."

Rebecca was flabbergasted by those words. Her eyes were filled with tears that she tried to hold back, because that wasn't the time for her to break, she had to be strong for him. "Baby, is that what you think? You didn't disappoint me! Or you dad. You've made mistakes and you will have the time to make up for them later, but only if you're alive." She bent down to place a kiss on his foreheard and he cried even more. "Nobody is disappointed, we're just worried about you."

He was shaking so much that the bed was starting to tremble too. Rebecca's heart was breaking. She managed to support Randall through the loss of William, and Kate after her miscarriage, but she didn't know how harder it would be to be strong for Kevin. There weren't many times in his life when he needed that kind of support and even when he did, while Jack was alive he was the parent figure to deal with their son.

She recalled the words Kate had said a few days earlier, about her heart having too much space for Randall. Every joke has some truth. What if she hadn't done a very good job at balancing the love for her three children? What if she was partially responsible for Kevin's fall? She had never imagined he could need her that way, everybody always assumed he was tough, but now that they looked back, he's showed some signs of depression before. Rebecca raised her head, blinking a few times to spare those tears.

"I'm a mess. I screw everything up, I always have." He was crying like the baby he was once. Like the teenage boy who lost his dream and his father in a matter of weeks. Rebecca remembered one time, after Jack's death, when she passed by his room on the rented apartment they lived for a while after the fire... She used to do that, even in her breathtaking pain, she went to her kids to see if they were sleeping. She remembered the other two being silent that day. They were still crushed and didn't hide their pain, but they were starting to get up again. But Kevin didn't cry in front of anyone. She knew he wasn't eating well, she saw Kate taking his food a couple of times and he was losing weight at the same pace that his sister was gaining it, but he hadn't cried. Until that day, when she passed by his room and Kevin was sobbing curled up on his bed. She wanted to do something, to take that pain alway from him, but her own grief was too much, and she couldn't find the strength to help him. It was the last time she saw him crying that wasn't for a play or a movie. Until now, that the fabric on her blouse was wet where he was touching. Once again, she wished she could take that pain from her baby.

"You may be a mess, but we all are and we all love you deeply. Kevin, everybody is worried about you. We love you and we're here for you." She was glad when he took a deep breath and started to calm down. "Beth and Toby almost had to drag your brother and sister home for a while, specially Kate, she wouldn't leave your side for a second if she had the choice. You've made mistakes, but that doesn't make you a bad person. There's nothing you can do that can make me love you less. You're my baby."

"I need help." There they were, the words that he needed to say and Rebecca finally let her tears out without feeling guilty, because this time they were tears of relief. This wasn't her first time dealing with the addiction effects on someone she loved, she had been by Jack's side and she knew that not asking for help made things worse for him. She also knew that she couldn't push Kevin, otherwise he would close himself, pretending everything was fine, like he had done until now.

"I know you do, and we're all going to help you. Randall spent the night researching and sending e-mails to find you the best place to recover," she smiled and lowered her voice, as if the others were there to hear her "He made a spreadsheet."

She could see that Kevin gave a very small chuckle as he tried to clean his face with the hospital bedspread. That was the Kevin she knew. She stroke his hair again and just looked at him, seeing his entire life. The baby that used to hold his sister, so both could sleep. The toddler who drove her crazy as he started walking and couldn't stop running around the house. The sweet boy that was always mimicking his father. The teenager that saw his dream go alway and the young man that never gave up on finding something else he was good at. Where had all those years gone? If Rebecca closed her eyes and touched her stomach, she could feel the triplets moving inside of her like it was yesterday. She knew it wasn't and so many things had changed, but her love for all her kids was the same as in the moment she found out she was pregnant.

Rebecca couldn't tell how long they had been in that position when a blinking cellphone got her attention. Without big moves, since she wasn't sure Kevin was still awake, she took it and read her daughter's message. As Kevin looked at her, she said: "Your sister and brother are back, just waiting for the elevator. Is it okay if they come in?" He nodded and sit in front of her, allowing he to look directly into his eyes for the first time that day. They were still red and sparkless, but not lifeless anymore. Her son was there. He would come back from this.

She touched his face and tried to say something, but they were interrupted by a knock on the door. It was Kate and she didn't wait for an answer. Randall was right behind her. As they approached the bed, Kevin looked at them, offering a little apologetic smile that said everything they needed to know at that moment and Rebecca finally felt her oxygen was back as she saw her kids gathering in a big three hug to support the one that needed.


End file.
